I’m not great at just jotting down random thoughts. It takes me a while when I write because I read and re-read, analyze and evaluate, and think a lot about how I want to say what I want to say. I want to do it well. As a result, I don’t write anything.
It’s actually a reflection of my life. I don’t like to do things I don’t do well. And I’m not very spontaneous. I talked today in my Sunday school class about becoming content with myself through my recovery from codependency. We were talking about fear of disapproval, a symptom of failing to grow up, discussed in a chapter in Changes That Heal by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. I’ve come to a place internally where I no longer feel like I am wrong in my being. I am okay with me. And it’s taken a long time to get here.
However, God showed me today how far I still have to go when it comes to being okay when others aren’t okay with me. I have more work to do. And that’s okay too. The absolutely great thing about it though, is that even after a difficult situation that threatened to bring me back to not being okay with me and keeping me stuck there, it didn’t take me long to get back to being okay again. That’s God. ALL God! I tried for 40 years to figure out how to be me, how to be free to be me, and it’s all come down to acceptance. I have internalized God’s grace, which begins with acceptance, which in turn gives me the grace to accept myself.
So, as I am tempted to judge what I’ve written tonight to see if it’s “enough,” I chose to be content with it just as it is. Thank you. Lord.